La Ci Darem la Mano

La ci darem la mano,
La mi dirai di si!
Vedi, non e lontano
Partiam, ben mio, da qui!

*Sigh*

Why do I want to be in love so bad? Sometimes, I feel that if I have that, nothing else will matter anymore, as if, somehow, it would solve ALL of my problems. Or at least, render them neglegible. Who cares about them? There is someone for me! Am I looking for an escape? An excuse not to face any other problems that I might be facing? Or am I trying to look for an easy way out? That I'm in fact, not feeling true emotions but am actually desperately hoping that this one thing will somehow, magically, solve everything?

If so, then why does it hurt so much everytime my thoughts wanders to some dark place? Why does it feel so empty when that happens? So, incredibly, devoid of... hope, of... even pity. Whatever I'm looking for, this is definitely not the easy or the expedient way to look for it.

But is it too much to ask for? To have someone that you think is special think that you are special right back? To have someone who can make you smile sincerely just by a look? To have someone to hold in your arms as you two share a silent moment, and have that moment be MEANINGFUL because you are sharing it with each other? To feel like that she's an angel that was placed in this world to save your unworthy soul?

Maybe it is. "Be realistic." One of my friends say. "It's not like that at all, hate to burst your bubble." Another one says, after asserting that I'm just too naive. Maybe I am asking for too much. But I'm not even really looking and holding out for the situation in the paragraph above. I just... want to feel special to someone for once ya know? I'm tired of making overtures, trying to make someone happy by being myself and have it all be... ignored or taken for granted, or worse, accepted with a forced smile. Fuck, if you don't like me, tell me, if you do, tell me! I deserve to know THAT at least! Sure, rip my heart out if it comes to it, but at least be woman enough to actually do it yourself damn it. Sure it might feel bad for you too, but sorry babe, you broke my heart if it comes to that, the least you could do is actually have to face the guilt of being responsible for such a shitty thing.

Am I being selfish? Yes, probably. But it's one thing I haven't actually tried. And, it's the one thing I don't know I can actually be. But is it really too much to ask? I'm willing give up so much for this little bit of selfishness... Can't I just be... happy for once? Within the vicinity of contentment even? Happy with myself? Yes, but happy? There's more to this world, my world, than just me. I'm just tired of being the guy who "understands", the one who "copes". If wishing that, just for once, it was the other way around means that I'm unredeemably selfish, especially for someone who is apparently as unworthy as me. Then... I'm just... tired of waiting, so very very tired of feeling so alone.

*Sigh*

By the way, nothing happened to prompt that rant, I just... felt like ranting because I was in one of those moods. I get like this on some random nights, not so often, but it happens. God, to have someone to talk to on nights like this, to really really talk to...

*Sigh*

Vorrei, e non vorrei;
Mi trema un poco il cor:
Felice, e ver sarei,
Ma puo burlarmi ancor.
-"La ci darem la mano, from Don Giovanni, W.A. Mozart

Edit: on second thought, there's another Mozart song that would probably be more fitting. As opposed to the original selection, which is much more like the normal me, this one is more like this post, except I don't have bells, and I'd like to think my feelings are much more complicated than anything presented in this song, though some would disagree. To those who disagree: "Fuck you."

"Ein Mädchen oder Weibchen", from Die Zauberflöte (The Magic Flute).
Ein Mädchen oder Weibchen
Wunscht Papageno sich.
O, so ein sanftes Taubchen
War Seligkeit fur mich!
Dann schmeckte mir Trinken un Essen,
Dann konnt ich mit Fursten mich messen,
Des Lebens als Weiser mich freun,
Und wie im Elysium sein.
Ach, Kann ich keiner von allen
Den reizenden Mädchen gefallen?
Helf eine mir nur aus der Not.
Sonst gram ich mich wahrlich zu Tod.